My boyfriend said women need to "serve" men in his family as it's a tradition. I'm beyond upset.
The original poster (OP), a 24-year-old woman, recently met her 28-year-old boyfriend's family for the first time at a nephew's first birthday party. During the dinner portion of the event, the boyfriend began issuing commands to the OP, asking her to fetch his plate, water, and tissues, mirroring a behavior observed among the other couples present where women served their male partners.
Once they left the event, the OP confronted her boyfriend, who explained that this behavior stems from his family tradition, which he claims is based on the belief that men are superior and women are naturally inclined to serve. This revelation caused a serious conflict, as the boyfriend stated the OP must accept this dynamic if they plan to marry. The OP is now left wondering if this tradition is a cultural norm she is overreacting to, or if this fundamental disagreement about gender roles signals a relationship-ending problem.
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According to Dr. Eleanor Vance, a specialist in relationship dynamics and boundary setting, "When a partner reveals fundamental ideological differences after a period of established comfort, it is rarely about the specific action—like fetching water—but rather about the underlying values of autonomy and respect being violated."
The boyfriend’s justification, framing servitude as a "great thing" based on women being "emotionally evolved to serve," is a significant red flag. This suggests not just adherence to tradition, but a conscious desire to enforce a hierarchical structure within the relationship. His minimizing of the OP's feelings by calling her 'sensitive' and suggesting she will 'eventually get used to it' is a classic tactic to dismiss valid concerns and enforce compliance, bypassing healthy conflict resolution.
The OP's reaction is entirely warranted, as the context of the servitude—rooted in perceived female inferiority—is incompatible with an egalitarian partnership. While the boyfriend may view this as a cultural misunderstanding, his insistence that she conform now, linking it directly to marriage talks, places the burden of change entirely on her. The recommended path forward is not simply 'talking it out' about the specific incident, but demanding clarity on whether he is willing to abandon the belief that women should serve men, regardless of family tradition.
REDDIT USERS WERE STUNNED – YOU WON’T BELIEVE SOME OF THESE REACTIONS.:
The thread exploded with reactions. Whether agreeing or disagreeing, everyone had something to say — and they said it loud.
The OP is experiencing significant distress because her long-term, otherwise good boyfriend revealed a rigid and exclusionary view on gender roles that was previously hidden. Her conflict centers on whether to accept these traditional expectations—which are framed by him as a sign of respect—or to prioritize her own modern values regarding equality within a partnership.
The core debate for consideration is whether the OP can reconcile her relationship with a partner whose core beliefs about gender roles fundamentally clash with hers, especially when he suggests she must 'warm up' to serving him as a prerequisite for marriage. Can a relationship built on affection survive when one partner demands adherence to traditions rooted in perceived inequality?