Would I be the AH to leave my partner of 20 years?
For two decades, she stood by him, nurturing a love that was both steadfast and quietly aching. Through years of whispered promises and elusive commitments, she held onto a hope that marriage—a simple act to her—would finally bind their family together in the way she deeply desired. Yet, each time she reached for that dream, it slipped just beyond her grasp, leaving her heart heavy with unspoken questions.
In the shadow of growing children and life’s unpredictable turns, his hesitations became a silent barrier between them. Her yearning for a shared name, a formal vow, was met with vague assurances and delays, turning her quiet patience into a slow-burning sorrow. As their family expanded, so did the weight of unspoken fears and unmet expectations, threatening to unravel the trust she had built over twenty years.
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As renowned couples therapist Dr. Sue Johnson explains, 'Attachment injuries happen when we fail to respond to each other's bids for connection in moments of need.' In this twenty-year relationship, the partner's consistent deflection regarding marriage and name changes acted as repeated failures to respond to the OP's core attachment bids for commitment and security, leading to the current breakdown in emotional and physical intimacy.
The partner's behavior—stating marriage was 'not important' only after the OP expressed her hurt, and subsequently withdrawing physical affection with the justification that he receives 'nothing in return'—demonstrates a significant power imbalance and a transactional view of intimacy. The OP's actions (supporting his career change) were rooted in relational investment, while the partner's response frames intimacy as contingent on receiving a specific, long-delayed concession (marriage/name change) from her. His refusal to attend counseling further solidifies a unilateral control over the relationship's repair process.
The OP's actions of checking out sexually were a natural, though perhaps counterproductive, reaction to feeling emotionally invalidated. Given her desire to avoid breaking up the family unit, the most constructive step is to establish firm, non-negotiable boundaries regarding professional intervention. She should state clearly that continued cohabitation requires immediate commitment to couples counseling, as unilateral repair efforts are insufficient when both partners are deeply entrenched in separate emotional realities.
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