WIBTA for asking my wife to reconsider our divorce?
He had loved her from the moment they met—her radiant smile and boundless energy had been the light of his life. For ten years, she was his first and only love, the woman he dreamed of building a future with, their lives intertwined in harmony and shared dreams.
But the shadows crept in with heartbreak and loss. The repeated pain of mis*****ages shattered her spirit, and with it, the vibrant woman he once knew faded into a shell weighed down by depression and despair. Their love, once full of warmth and hope, now struggled to survive in the quiet ache of what was lost.
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Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert known for his extensive research on marital stability, often emphasizes that trust and emotional safety are the absolute cornerstones of a lasting partnership. In this scenario, the husband (OP) violated the fundamental contract of fidelity, an action that severed the emotional bond and security his wife relied upon. The subsequent difficulty stemmed from a long, unaddressed relational decline: the wife's severe depression following miscarriages led to physical and emotional withdrawal, which in turn extinguished the husband's attraction and led to his decision to cheat.
OP's motivations appear rooted in regret over loss rather than a mature plan for repair. Seeing his wife happy and attractive after separation has triggered a powerful sense of possessiveness and nostalgia, often termed 'grass is greener syndrome' or loss aversion regarding a known partner. His desire to 'reconsider' ignores the fact that the wife has clearly invested in moving forward and healing outside of the marriage that caused her distress. The wife’s shift in appearance and happiness is a result of gaining distance from the source of her pain (the marriage and the betrayal), not necessarily an invitation to return.
From a professional standpoint, OP's actions (cheating) were wholly inappropriate as a response to relationship distress, especially given his wife's existing severe depression. A constructive recommendation would be for OP to completely halt any pursuit of reconciliation. Instead, he should focus entirely on addressing the root causes of his own actions through individual therapy. If reconciliation were ever possible, it would require significant time, genuine remorse demonstrated through consistent actions (not just words), and a commitment from both parties to long-term couples counseling focused on deep communication skills.
HERE’S HOW REDDIT BLEW UP AFTER HEARING THIS – PEOPLE COULDN’T BELIEVE IT.:
The thread exploded with reactions. Whether agreeing or disagreeing, everyone had something to say — and they said it loud.
The husband is confronting the severe consequences of his infidelity, deeply regretting the loss of his wife and the marriage they once shared. His current emotional state is a mix of longing for the past and a painful realization of the irreparable damage caused by his actions, especially now that he sees his wife seemingly thriving after leaving him.
Given the depth of the betrayal and the finality of her departure, is it justifiable for the husband to ask his ex-wife to reconsider the finalized divorce and attempt to rebuild a relationship based on a foundation of broken trust?