AITAH for attempting to cut my mom off from me after she said my SA was my fault?
He carries a silence heavier than words, a shadow cast by a night that shattered his innocence. Betrayed not only by the cruel act but by the one who should have been his refuge—his mother’s demand to relive the pain only deepened the wound, twisting his trauma into a burden he was forced to bear alone.
When he finally sought understanding, he was met with blame, as if the horror that befell him was a consequence of his own choices. Her words, cold and dismissive, transformed his anguish into a lesson, stripping away his pain and leaving him isolated in a world that refused to see his suffering.
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According to Dr. Patricia Evans, an expert on controlling behaviors and communication, statements that blame a victim for abuse—such as 'you put yourself in that situation'—are textbook examples of minimizing trauma and shifting responsibility away from the perpetrator and onto the survivor. This action fundamentally undermines the survivor’s sense of safety and self-worth.
The mother’s behavior displays a significant lack of emotional validation and an inability to handle difficult emotional labor. By immediately demanding details and later framing the trauma as a 'lesson,' she prioritized her own need to process the event (or avoid confrontation) over her son's immediate psychological needs for empathy and safety. Her subsequent attempts to teach or lecture demonstrate a pattern of controlling communication, attempting to impose structure rather than offering unconditional support. The son's reaction—withdrawal, anger, and feeling actively diminished by her presence—is a predictable response to feeling betrayed and invalidated by the primary attachment figure.
The son's actions of becoming snippy and avoiding his mother are justified as self-protective responses against ongoing emotional harm. However, to ensure long-term well-being, he should seek external therapeutic support to process the layered trauma (the initial assault plus the subsequent parental betrayal). A constructive future step would involve setting rigid emotional boundaries, clearly stating what topics are off-limits, and reducing dependency on his mother for emotional comfort, as she has proven incapable of providing it.
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The individual is clearly experiencing intense emotional distress and a breakdown in trust with their mother following the disclosure of a past sexual assault. The core conflict lies between the son's need for validation, comfort, and accountability for the trauma, and the mother's response, which involved pressuring for details, shifting blame onto the victim, and reframing the trauma as a life lesson.
Given the severe emotional damage caused by the victim-blaming statements and the ongoing denial of fault, is the son's current reaction of withdrawing affection and feeling intense negativity around his mother a justified defense mechanism, or does it prevent the necessary communication required for any potential future healing?